Self-sabotage – we all do it, but do you know why you do it? Well let’s hop into this episode and I’ll explore some reasons why people self-sabotage.
IN THIS EPISODE
0:20 Do you sabotage yourself? Even though you want to save, you can’t stop spending. Or you desire more income and more clients and when the opportunity presents itself, you clam up. Take a moment and look back. How has your past year been going? Are you excited to take in new experiences, grow your business and double or triple your income or does that completely freak you out? Do your behaviors contradict your desires? If so, you fall into this category of self-sabotage.
2:01 We’ve all been there and do this from time to time. You aren’t alone. And it’s because we have four basic needs that need to be met.
Love and connection – We need to feel like we belong and are loved. We need to feel included. Maybe you were the girl who didn’t get invited to the party or you were the girl in the corner and you felt like people were whispering about you this is when your love and connection was being challenged.
Significance – This is our need to feel important, to know what we’re talking about, to feel powerful. We like when people come to us and want our opinions. When people thank us for making a difference in their lives. This is where impact comes from – when you want to make a difference and that feels good. You’ve had experiences when you’ve gotten to do that. You feel like you’re on top of the world. On the flipside, there’s been a time in your life when someone has belittled you or made you feel like you weren’t enough. That you didn’t measure up.
Certainty – The need that we have to know the outcome and feel in control. To know what to expect. You’ve had situations in your life when you don’t know what that looks like. The unknown is a very scary place. There have been times when you’ve taken a chance and it hasn’t worked out. And other times when it has worked really well and you’ve grown.
Uncertainty – This is surprise and thrill and we need that. Too much is scary.
6:09 These four things are things we all need. Which one you need the most will vary depending on the season of life you are in. And the way you act in order to fill those needs and the way you react in the world in order to fulfill those needs is a result of your past experience and current perspective.
6:40 So in the past if you’ve experienced a lot of those harder situations, your subconscious remembers that. Those are wounds. Pain is a hard thing to forget and those scars and those wounds hit harder than the joyful ones. Here’s why – that’s how our brains were wired. When you were little, you touched a hot stove and your brain remembered that the stove is hot. You avoid it. It’s the same thing with financial situations. If anything in our life presents itself and it even remotely represents pain, our subconscious says to run the other way as fast as you can. You’re wired to keep you from losing the love and connection, significance and other needs.
9:24 Success and the fear of success and sabotage is the way we define it. How do you define success? Now might be the time to redefine it. Maybe success means hard things to you and your subconscious is telling you that if you have success it’s painful and not what you want. Your belief equals that painful thing. If that’s not what you want, you’re going to find a way to sabotage yourself.
13:20 I have clients who are worried about becoming too big because they value love and connection. They want to keep the intimacy and they play small because they want to keep those relationships intact. They are afraid that they’ll become someone they don’t like. They value the significance and value being the big fish in the small pond. Are people going to think they’re a fraud or that they don’t have enough education or experience? Do you feel like if you hit a certain level of success, you won’t be able to compete or be the person you currently are?
15:14 Are you afraid of taking on too much responsibility and losing that sense of freedom. Are you afraid of having too much on your calendar? If so, you value uncertainty and being able to do things on the fly. In your mind, successful people get to have a structured life. If you’ve seen someone lose their childlike wonder to the grind of the hustle and entrepreneurship, and that’s part of your past and that would cause pain for you, success equals prison in your mind so you’ll avoid the money.
16:57 What we need to do is take a look at these needs and see what ones really resonate with you. As opportunities come up, say to yourself, what’s the worst that could happen to you if you’re successful or wealthy. Set a timer for a significant amount of time and write. What thoughts come up. Identify which needs are being threatened and how are you responding?
19:03 We start by being aware. We can’t change the past, but we can choose to take control of the future.
- We’ve all committed self-sabotage.
- These four things are things we all need. Which one you need the most will vary depending on the season of life you are in.
- Success and the fear of success and sabotage are the way we define it.
- I have clients who are worried about becoming too big because they value love and connection.
- We can’t change the past, but we can choose to take control of the future.
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