The way you feel and think about your body has much to do with your level of confidence, your sense of worth, and how you let your heart out, and that shows up in many areas of your life, including business. Psychiatrist, online entrepreneur, and branding expert Stefani Reinold dropped the pill poppin’ path of mainstream mental health care in order to make real change in real women’s lives by teaching them how to find their hearts and embrace their real selves so they can create the life and business of their dream. Stefani observed that women are bogged down by many details of life, including food, body image, money, and relationships. We have a fantasy version of our self as a mom, as a wife, and as an entrepreneur. We are fed this image and notions so we all try to live up to it. You got to be real with yourself. Stefani shares some insights on how we can take away the judgment that we are inflicting on ourselves and find the heart, the truth, that value, and the worth that exists in each one of us.
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Be Real And Let Your Heart Out with Stefani Reinold
This episode is special because we’re digging in to the controversial taboo topic of body image. We both know that the way we feel and think about our body has much to do with our level of confidence, our sense of worth and that shows up in many areas of our lives, including business. I invited expert Stefani Reinold on the show because she is a leading expert in this exact topic. Stefani is a psychiatrist and branding expert who dropped the pill, pop and path of mainstream mental health care in order to make real change in real women’s’ lives by teaching them how to find their hearts and embrace their real selves so that they can create the life and business of their dreams. You are going to love Stefani.
Stefani, welcome. I’m excited to have you here.
Thanks so much for having me. I’m excited to chat with you.
I invited you on the show because lately we’ve been having a lot of conversation around holistic mindset inside of The Profit Party group. I am a firm believer that you can’t fix one area of your life and be high vibe. We can’t master our money mindset and focus only on it without focusing on everything else. There are many things for women that affect the way we think and feel about ourselves, about our business. You are an expert in body image and you have this beautiful psychology background that brings much expertise and awareness into this space. I thought it would be great to have you on and discuss a little bit of some of these details that drag us down, bog us down and keep us from showing up as our best self. You are a psychiatrist by day and you also have an online business where you work with moms specifically. Can you fill us in and give us a quick synopsis of both of the hats that you wear?
In my day job, I’m a board-certified psychiatrist and majority of the time I specialize in perinatal mental health but generally focusing on women. That’s anywhere from adolescence to menopause and all the issues in between it. That includes medication management but also therapy in other programs. In my online space, I run a platform called Not The Typical Mom, which is a lifestyle brand that helps women break free from the stereotypes and help reconnect with their real selves, their heart and soul so they can kill it in life, love and business without screwing up their kids. I deal with mostly women who some of them are entrepreneurs; some of them are women trying to survive mom life. I realized that there are many details of life that women are bogged down with and one of the biggest ones being food and body image. To the extent, it got an entire chapter in my book because I see it as such a big force. Whether people are coming to me for individual coaching or in my private practice, my brick and mortar private practice, sometimes they will never even bring up the food and body image piece until literally we are months or years into treatment together. All of a sudden, it will be some haphazard thought. Digging deeper, I’m like, “This is incredibly affecting your life. Do you not see how much this is holding you back in everything?”
I see that how we see food in our body is holding us back in every area of life. Talking to these women, it’s holding back their relationships, their ability to be intimate with their husbands. It’s holding back how much they put out to the universe. How much they’re showing of themselves in their business. Even down to little stuff like doing an Instagram story or a Facebook Live, women get bogged down because they’re like, “I should be X pounds lighter or I should have gotten botox. I need to color my hair.” How we view ourselves, our physical self is inhibiting every area of our life. It’s amazing that we don’t talk about this stuff more because all of us to an extent do struggle with it. Based on a myriad of reasons, how we were raised? How much emphasis was put on our appearance growing up? If we fit into the cultural thin ideal? We may or may not have an easier time with this? Everything in between. I see business owners that are large bodied women and they have productive, healthy businesses. I see women who culturally fit the beauty standards of today and they are not profitable because they’ve held themselves back because of some crazy limiting belief that they don’t physically look good enough. They feel they’re not good enough because we define our self-worth by what we look like. It’s a rampant problem.
I feel as women we compare ourselves to everything, not just other women though. We compare ourselves to our self five years ago to our ideal of our self, of what we always wanted to look like or become. That in itself is detrimental. It’s standards.
I do that in several of my online programs and one in particular is geared toward new moms, but it crosses a lot of angles is this idea of our fantasy self. We have a fantasy version of our self as a mom. We have a fantasy version of our self as a wife. We have a fantasy version of our self as an entrepreneur. We are fed this image. When I got into this space, I was infiltrated with the Marie Forleo’s of the world, the Chalene Johnson, the people who have the airbrushed photos and had the image. It was the fashion model equivalent of the online marketing space. I never did this at a conscious level until recently when I’ve started talking to more entrepreneurs about this issue. Subliminally, we pick up on I must look her in order to have what she has. Meaning, I need to have full blown makeup, the fake eyelashes, the blown-out hairstyle and the airbrushed, perfect camera angle in order to have a profitable business. We’re fed all these notions so we all try to live up to it.
Honestly, most people have millions of dollars and hundreds of staff members that are literally doing just that for that. Most of us are solopreneurs with a team of less than ten people and we’re trying to make ends meet on a shoe string budget for our business. You’ve got to be real with yourself. All we need is a little bit of basic makeup, a diva light and go with it. You don’t even need a crazy camera. It’s sad that it comes down to if I don’t have a picture-perfect feed, if I don’t have the best photos or the best videos, then I am not worthy and I won’t be successful.
I’m going to be judged based on my lack of professionalism or my lack of presentation is what you’re saying. I see that a lot with the women I work with as well. I have an interior design background, people know that and they’re like, “Can you help me design my set?” I’m like, “Yes, except you don’t need it.” People want you. It’s hard to look within and find the you that everybody else loves. When you look in the mirror, what do you see? You see your flaws. You look at your fat size, your big butt, your cellulite, your wrinkles and that’s what you see. Where other people look at you and go, “She is beautiful. She’s amazing. She’s glowing. She’s friendly, inviting, knowledgeable and I want to be in her energy and I want to be around her,” but we don’t see that.
No. It’s such a big problem. I hate to say it too. The elephant in the room is that yes, unfortunately we are judged by our appearance, but that is society’s problem. That is not your moral failure as a human being. That is our weakness at a human level that we are unable sometimes as human beings to look past the appearance. That said, how many times have you been in the presence of someone who physically does not meet the cultural standards of what is beautiful, but you feel that positive energy and you’re lifted up in that moment and you’re like, “She or he is beautiful.” Even though technically, if you just saw a flat two-dimensional picture of them, you’d be like, “They’re not that charismatic. They’re not that attractive.” Attractive meaning, “I’m not attracted to that. I’m not pulled by their energy to them.” Look at your own romantic history. How many times did we date a guy that was not that attractive, but we felt good when we were with them? All the time.
I can tell you my husband is notorious for this. Who doesn’t love people watching? My husband will look and go, “They don’t match,” and I’m like, “I bet you he is the sweetest guy in the world.” She knew it and she snapped him up because he’s the whole package. I’ve always been that way. I’ve never been attracted to men because of their appearance. It’s always been their personality. My friends used to make fun of me because we had totally different tastes and like, “That’s fine. More for you, more for me, we’re good.” It is true because when you meet somebody you’re attracted to their energy. That’s important to remember when you are putting yourself out there, but often we don’t. What do you do? What do you say when women are holding themselves back? Explain what that is. You have a chapter in your book called The Details Of Life where you go into that.
The chapter in my book, I go through the different details of life. One is about food, one’s about money, ones even about relationships. It all comes back to how are we wrapping up our identity? I grew up in the south where image and aesthetics is probably even more culturally enforced than other communities. I felt it and I know you women in our audience who grew up in probably more aesthetic areas, that is ingrained in us because that’s how we were raised. We were raised that our self-worth and our identity equals what we look like. That can come out in lots of things. Our identity can be wrapped up in our relationships, whether or not we were even married or whether or not we have children. The stuff, materialism, that’s a chapter in my book, that’s a huge barrier. What we have and what we can project to the universe. It’s like, “This gives me my self-worth, my identity,” and so you have to uncouple all of that. You have to detach yourself from all of the situations of your life. The details of your life being like, “I, by myself inherently, without a man, without these details, without any money, without materials, without even my physical beauty or not beauty. Without that, I am still worthy,” and truly looking inside of yourself to find yourself worth.
If you’re looking at it in terms of your business too, you can say, “Where does the worth of my business truly come from?” What actual value? What education? What perspective? What unique stamp am I putting on my business that literally has nothing to do with your physical appearance? Sometimes that’s a rude awakening because people will come back to me and be like, “I don’t know because I’m doing the same thing as so and so,” and it’s like, “That’s the problem then.” If you pulled somebody else’s material, you put your own stamp on it and you think just because of what you physically look like, you think it’s wrapping something in a different package, you’re wrong. Wrapping something in different package, your brand, what you are protruding to the universe has nothing to do with your physical appearance. We can get into color schemes, fonts and even the set of your videos. Truly your brand is much more about your unique perspective, your unique personal story. It takes a lot of introspection, Tonya. It takes people coming to terms with even probably some painful points in their life because those usually are evidence. We need evidence that we are worth something more. To look back at past experiences like, “How have you gotten through this?” “I know lots of people that couldn’t have gotten through that, so how did you do that?” It didn’t have anything to do with what you look like.
Most of the people in our audience know a little bit of my story. I’ve been through the wringer and it was at a young age and things get easier in adulthood. The interesting thing is when I started doing work through those issues. A lot of it was appearance. I was young, I was single and I was a girl. There were many times where it was bad and good, where it was a hindrance and it made me not fit in. There were times where because I was a young, cute, single girl, I was given concessions like, “Sure, you can come hang with me. Sure, I’ll buy you food,” when I didn’t have any. I learned to rely on that at a young age, but then I despised it and I hated it. Then it was like boys liked me, girls didn’t and all I wanted was to fit in with the girls.
I remember at a young age when I’m like, “I don’t want to be pretty anymore. I want to be the same. I want to fit in. I want to be uglier than them so that they’ll like me. If I’m too pretty then I’m competition, and I’m not trying to be competition.” As a teenager, a lot of mindset work that had to take place around appearance. It’s something that we always work on because as we change and grow and our body changes, it’s new issues. New level, new devil, where now you’ve got gray hair to deal with because that’s happening or you had babies and your body has changed and it didn’t quite go back the way you wanted it to. Your hips are a little wider or the cellulite or the veins or whatever happens. It’s always something and you feel everyone else is noticing it the way you are.
You bring up an interesting point. I’ve primarily been talking to the women who don’t feel too great in their body or they don’t get a whole lot of attention for their appearance. You bring up an interesting point and I’ve felt it myself because by many standards, I’m conventionally pretty, I will admit that. I take good photos. I’m average body size. I definitely identify that privilege and with that can also come the flip side where people start to attach judgment and value just based on your appearance. I can relate. I probably have gotten different opportunities or even “better opportunities” in some situations probably because of that image. With that you can get a lot of guilt.
We can feel as though like, “I’m a doctor. I have medical experience. I have tons of education behind my name. I have tons of credentials and publications and yet people may only care about me because of what I look like.” With that, I take it as a blessing that I have a voice in this space. With that comes a responsibility to speak the truth, to speak the things that I’m saying now. Because of limitations with our society, your voice might be altered. For instance, maybe it’s not through video, maybe it’s through a podcast, an example. We all have the same opportunities to be seen and heard.
I love that you say that because no matter which side of the fence you’re on or how you’ve grown up or how you view yourself and your body. What you see when you look in the mirror. Every one of us, and we’re talking to women only here, we struggle. We always do. When we see something and we want it to be different. If you have straight hair, you want curly hair. If you have blond hair, you want dark. It doesn’t matter; we always wonder what it would be like and if the grass is greener. The truth is it’s not. We all have something that we’re dealing with or something that we look at and we see it as a limit. How do we flip that perspective?
How do we take away the feeling that we’re limited, the feeling that we’re at a disadvantage? How do we take away the judgment that we are inflicting on ourselves and find the heart, find the truth, find that value, that worth that exists in each one of us equally? We’re all worthy at the core. We all are beautiful. We all have our own unique gifts and superpowers that are amazing. We all have gifts to bring to the world, but how do you help women? Are there tips that you can give to filtering through some of these things and getting to the heart?
I can say the biggest first step is identifying that it’s not about what you think it’s about. This is where my psychiatrist lens comes in. Our unconscious or subconscious, whatever terminology you prefer, plays such a profound role in how we live our daily lives. Some percentages say that it’s upwards of 80% to 90% of our daily thoughts, behaviors and actions are truly ruled by an unconscious part of our brain. Some of that’s good. We don’t want to have to think through every single decision in our lives and have to analyze everything consciously. Sometimes we need to be on habit or autopilot. When it’s holding us back, when it is these unconscious issues that are coming up, we need to uncover that. For instance, if you’re struggling with body image, what you look or how you’re seen physically in the world, it likely has nothing to do with that.
The chapter in my book is called It’s Not About The Food and that’s my program too. Specifically, if you deal with food, the desire to control food, the desire to control your body, it’s not about food or your body. No amount of controlling food or your body will uncover anything that you’re truly craving. The underlying issue is to throw some out there. It’s to be validated, to be loved, to fit into society, to have power, to get more money. There’s always something else that is driving those feelings and thoughts that you’re having. Truly doing some work, uncovering what is that for you in that moment. It can change day to day. It can change because what happens from a pretty young age, it is built in and reinforced from society that we are what we look like basically as women. It’s easy for us when we’re under other stressors or other emotional angst that we projected onto food and our bodies. Every time you’re thinking about food and your body to look and be like, “Why am I down on myself? Why do I feel this certain emotion about what I look like? What does it have to do it?”
Maybe I’m feeling unworthy in my business. Maybe I know that I’m a fake or I don’t believe in the product that I’m putting out there. I am trying to blame it on what I like look to give myself an excuse.” We don’t like to admit that it’s us who are not giving a good product. If we’re not in something, if we don’t believe in it, we’re not in it; we want to give ourselves an excuse for why we failed. All of us have been through unsuccessful launches. We’ve been through programs that didn’t sell. This is sad, but it’s easy for us to blame like, “It’s what I look like. It’s because that video didn’t look perfect. My Facebook ad didn’t look that great,” but it has nothing to do with that. Honestly, it could have been the bad timing. It could have been maybe your angle was not right. Looking at the content for what it is, the underlying issue is powerful for people. That one piece of awareness, knowing that it’s not about food or your body, that little sliver is so much hope because then people are like, “Good. It has nothing to do with me failing morally or something because I look different.” It is about something deeper and that’s what we need to uncover.
What do you do at that point? Is there a certain question that you ask? Is there a practice that you like to suggest? How do you start to dig deeper into those layers?
I can walk you through the method I use in my book and it’s an acronym. It stands for HEART. HEART in my book has many different connotations and meanings, but one of them is an acronym. The H stands for here and now. That’s your thoughts. That’s the most basic level that we can get to, and a lot of people that’s even hard. When you think of coming to terms with your thoughts, it’s like mindfulness, getting in the practice of becoming aware of your thoughts that flow through your mind on a daily basis. I recommend people the first, unless they truly have a good meditation or mindfulness practice in place every day, I recommend they journal, write it out or type it out the first few times they do it. Sometimes physically seeing your thoughts on a piece of paper can be powerful.
The next step beyond that, the E stands for emotions, embracing emotions. That’s the next level deeper; if you’re thinking of it in terms of levels are your emotions. Women tend to be pretty good at being emotional and pretty poor at identifying and embracing our emotions without judgment. What’s mostly common is that we fly off the handle. We have all these impulsive emotions. We had a bad launch, we get it’s your fault, were angry, whatever emotion. We’re never sitting down with that painful emotion and feeling it, physically feeling it in our bodies. Every emotion that we have begins with a physical sensation in our body. A lot of times people will feel anxiety in their chest or in their gut. We feel stress in our head or in our shoulders, embodying those physical emotions that you’re having.
The next step then is to take those thoughts, take those emotions that you have and analyze them. The A stands for to analyze your thoughts. This is a little bit where my nuance comes in to practice as a psychiatrist because we look at what’s the deeper message here? For instance, I had a patient recently. She had done this exercise in her free form, her freestyle. I have you write everything that’s coming to your mind, everything out of your head. She kept talking about the words fitting in; the words fit and in kept popping up. It had nothing to do with fitting into society. It had to do with her not being able to fit into her postpartum clothes. It was in the context, a rational, seemingly big issue.
That would stand to reason that, “If she was operating at her conscious level, what she’s going to do is probably buy some boot camp programs so that she can fit into her clothes because that’s what she wants.” Truly, looking a step deeper, she had just moved across country. She had no community, no friends. She had no family near her. Her desire to fit in had much less to do with her clothes fitting as much as she was wanting to fit into society, wanting to fit into a friend of circle. She had mentioned even her church group that she had met with, they were ostracizing her and not talking to her. Analyze those thoughts. What is the deeper message here? There is always something deeper guys. There’s always something more to the story.
We’re identifying the thoughts. I love journaling, one of my favorite practices. You’re forced to use words, name what’s going on and give it some meaning. You’re holding space for your emotions. You’re getting in and saying, “What am I feeling now?” You’re holding some space for that. You’re allowing yourself to feel it instead of repressing it, trying to ignore it or punish yourself and judge it, try to change it. You’re feeling it and then you are analyzing it. What is going on here? What is the R, Stefani?
The R is to reflect on your past. From my psychiatrist lens, I truly believe that we repeat a lot of patterns in our life that likely stemmed from past childhood events. Even if not past childhood events, even could be a year ago in your relationship, or a year ago in your business. What is this triggering from your past and uncovering that? For this particular patient, it was triggering this particular moment in her time when her parents got divorced. She had moved across country with her dad and she didn’t fit in at school. It also was a period of time when her clothes did not fit because she said at that time she had left her clothes back at her mom’s house, she was going through puberty and her body was changing. It was fascinating that all of these things were causing her a lot of emotional turmoil, but it was the same theme of not fitting in. Our brains are naturally programmed to connect the dots and create a full story. The story that she created in her mind at puberty was not fitting into my clothes equals not fitting in with my friends.
It’s crazy how our minds work without us knowing it. It shows up everywhere. We’ve identified some triggers, some past moments. We’ve connected some dots, and then what? What is T?
T is take action. I wouldn’t be a good doctor if I sat with a Lotus pose with you all day and like, “How’d you like crying and in your thoughts?” We’ve got to live our life. That’s where we take action. What are you going to do about it? How are you going to fulfill the desires of your heart? You could. Traditional self-development out there tells you to go get a boot camp program so that you can fit into your clothes. I know that we’ll never fill the void that she’s seeking for herself because all she wants is to fit in with a community group. How can you make some steps to make that happen for yourself? How can you, right here and now, give yourself that same feeling even without having that same community? For her, feeling connected to her husband and her baby was enough to give her that feeling that she fit in somewhere because she fits in with her family, obviously.
Over time you can slowly start to fill those true desires. I saw her about a year after that and she had. She developed this little meet up group. She joined a book club. My patients call me Dr. Reinold. She’s like, “Dr. Reinold, lifesaving. I feel like a new person.” By and large, indirectly, she had gotten healthier in the process. I’m not saying weight loss should ever be your goal because I’m not into that, but it can happen. It’s exactly what you talk about, Tonya. Sometimes when you detach yourself from the profit goal or even a money goal, it naturally will happen but you’ve got to do a lot of other work first. I have hundreds of stories like this. This is the power of reconnecting with the unconscious mind and truly fulfilling what you’re craving and desiring.
I have a money vibes course where it’s about raising your vibe. We work on mindset around the way we think and feel about money, but it’s not exclusive to money. I’ve found in all of the time that I’ve been working with women that if we only focused on money and we ignore the fact that life exists outside of business. It doesn’t happen because you could be feeling a lack of self-worth it around your body image or perhaps your relationship or your house is direct. That energy blocking your ability to show up and fully and completely in business and manifest the money you want or attract the clients that you should be attracting. You don’t show up at a level ten.
I love that you do the same thing with your clients where she thinks it’s close. How do I feel? I need to fit into this? No. Let’s look and see where another area of your life is blocking you. This is a symptom, but it’s not. It’s not the cause. It’s not the disease, the underlying root of the issue. When you get to that, then everything gets better and as a result you become happier, higher vibe. You can lose the weight, great side effects, but you’re also closer to your husband, your kids and you fit in places. You’ve worked on all the things without focusing on any particular thing necessarily.
Neurologically speaking, a female brain is not wired to compartmentalize well. Even to the extent, a lot of self-development out there tells you to chunk your time. I’ve got kids. You’ve got to make a routine. You’ve got to live on a schedule sometimes. I totally get that. However, even then it’s difficult for women to function that way. It’s hard for us to only be doing one thing. Instead of fighting our nature as a woman, embracing the fact that all parts of our life do exist simultaneously, that’s how our brain works. Most women judge that and they’re like, “I need to do what so and so says and block myself out. Only get productive for this time,” and without going on a huge tangent, your brain is not going to work that way. You might as well not fight it and understand that all parts of you.
Best example I can give people, think of a fight you’ve had with your significant other, probably in your early dating relationship. You’re going to bicker and fight and you get over it. When you’re first dating someone, you’re in that honeymoon phase and you have one of your first big fights. Did any consume you? I vividly remember, it consumed my whole mind. I was in med school when I first met my husband. I couldn’t study; I couldn’t talk to my friends. You have this physical feeling that you’re dying, but that is on a much lower wavelength how we deal with everything. If our kids are acting up, it’s going to affect how we’re running our business. If our money is in dire straits, that’s going to affect how we relate in our relationships. Everything is connected. Why not understand that? Embrace the fact and reconnect with your heart. That’s what I call it, it’s your spirit, your soul, whatever. Reconnect with yourself in those moments instead of trying to fight the masculine-minded society standard, it’s never going to work for you.
You’re looking for a solution externally, when the solution is within you, it is always within you. You can always feel better if you go inside and you get to the heart of things. Your book sounds absolutely perfect. It is what we all need to hear and it sounds to me like you are so relatable, not only because you’ve worked with many women and you’ve helped many women through these issues, but you’ve probably had some experience in your own life that have forced you to work through these things and you got it. I love when people address issues that are normally taboo. It’s difficult for us to talk about. Do you show up at a dinner party and say, “I’m not feeling confident in myself? Could somebody past the wine and helped me through this?” It’s okay to say, “I feel fat,” and then everybody else chimes in and agrees with you so that we’re all at the same level and we’re all, “You’re not alone. I feel fat too. Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about the Botox. Let’s talk about all the things we could do to fix ourselves,” but nobody is talking about the things that really must happen to fix ourselves. I love that you make it easy to talk about it and you take the taboo away.
That was my goal when I started my online platform that I wanted to take the same issues that I talked to my individual patients about but taking away the stigmatizing language that is often attached to psychiatry or mental health. These are these are issues that we all struggle with. You don’t have to have a clinical, diagnosable depression, eating disorder or stuff to feel this inadequacy. Society is telling all of us that we’re not good enough on a daily basis. It’s challenging for us to constantly fight it. If you read my book, you’ll definitely hear it. My own story through my own eating disorder, postpartum depression and that’s all a part of my journey. The subtitle of my book is How To Escape Your Thoughts And Reconnect With The Most Important Part Of Yourself because we’re also trapped in our thoughts, if we even get there. Most of us even try to avoid our thoughts. For many years of my life I believed every thought that came into my mind. I was inundated with those anxious thoughts and worries. It took me a long time and a lot of personal work on myself and then seeing it reflected in my own patients and clients. It reminds me that these are rampant issues, that even high functioning people like us can have.
I’m going to be candid and transparent. I am pretty good about my mindset 98% of the time. There’s always those moments, I’m going to call it full moon, mercury, the solar flares, hormones. Something will happen and it triggers you. It might be a series of triggers where you’re like, “I’m a little bit annoyed,” but then something else will happen, it will trigger that negative thought. Before you know it, you are crying for three days straight and you can’t figure out why you’re crying. You’re mad at the world or you’re writing your husband a seven-page letter with all the things he’s doing wrong. You’re like, “What is going on with me?” and that’s all it is. You allowed those thoughts to take over and you let them get away from you. You started to believe the negativity or the inner critic, and it needs to be fixed. You need to turn those thoughts around and insert spiraling yourself up. No matter what, this is always something that it’s a work in progress and there’ll be different triggers that affect you differently at different times of your life.
It’s good to have books like yours, resources like you and people that we know that we can always turn to say, “I feel like I forgot how to fix this. Help me get back on path because I know that this is my responsibility to fix my mindset or fixed the way that I feel about me. It’s not my husband’s job. He’s not really doing anything wrong.” He’s amazing but in that moment, I may have been feeling underappreciated, not special, not validated or not seen. That was getting to me and I was ignoring it for so long that you finally get to the point where you blow up. You’re crying for three days and then write a letter.
Just to bring this full circle in terms of your body image, just to prove this. How many times have we taken a photo, we could have the best body image yet and feeling great. Then we see ourselves in a photo and because it was the wrong angle, it can spiral our day out of control. If you saw yourself in a photo that was a better angle, it can totally lift your day.
I was feeling good and then I saw that picture and you’re like, “What the? No carbs for me this week.”
That’s the problem. You’re filing and then obviously cutting out carbs or counting your macros is never going to make you feel better. In fact, it probably drives you crazier. The fame you think is the problem and whatever solution you think for that problem, it’s never going to give you that change of feeling that you’re truly wanting.
What do you do in that moment? What do you have your patients do in that moment?
Recently, my daughter, she’s five. She’s way into selfies and my camera. She’ll get my phone and she took a picture of me. She’ll do this periodically where you end up with 5,000 new pictures on your phone because your kid gets her camera and burst flashes. One of those ended up being me and it was it was a candid photo. I was in my pajamas, it was one morning, no makeup, messy mom, bun on the top of my head. It wasn’t a bad body image. I don’t have that many, I’ll be honest. I’ve done a lot of work, I feel good in my skin these days and it took me off guard a little bit. Even that like, “Here was a random candid photo. Why did this set me off so bad?” I walked through my practice, becoming aware of like, “What am I upset about? It’s not my body. My body is not the problem.” I will repeat, your body is not the problem.
What is the problem? I was stressed. I didn’t get good sleep the night before. I had some issues going on in my own career and personal life. That’s what it had to do it. We’re ingrained from a young age that we’re going to project all of our stress onto our body and our self-image. I was taking all this other stress that had nothing to do even with my daughter, nothing to do with my body and I was even more feeling like a failure. You’re like, “I don’t have the perfect body.” There’s no such thing as a perfect body, but I digress. It’s because I’m not feeling perfect in all of these other situations of my life that it was an easy target for me to then spiral out of control. Again, it’s uncovering, “What is this about? What do you need right now?”
I can see how that can happen. You were already trying not to have a bad day, not to feel those emotions or think those thoughts. Then you saw that and you’re like, “Great, let’s add this to all the other things that are going wrong,” and that becomes a good, easy target of focus. If you just consume yourself into, “Now Google searching for the best diet pills and the best way to lose ten pounds in five days,” you now have an active focus that takes you away from feeling those emotions and feeling like a failure in what was really the problem. It’s an escape, a cop out almost.
It’s an avoidance of other painful emotions.
Mantras, it is not your body. You are beautiful. What else? Are you into mantras? Are you into affirmations at all?
Sometimes, it’s not a daily practice for me, but yes. When I’m stuck or in need of something else, I’ll do mantras.
Do you have a favorite one?
You are good enough is the theme for my life. You inherently as a human being, you’re good enough. No matter what size clothing you wear, no matter what the scale says, if you weigh yourself. No matter the details of your life, you inherently are good enough.
That’s my favorite too. I have it written on my mirror and lipstick. People come into my master bedroom and they’re like, “I am enough,” and I’m like, “Don’t make fun. You should do it too.” It’s a nice reminder every time you look in the mirror. Where can we find you?
The book is called Let Your Heart Out. If you want to grab the book or learn more about that, you can go to LetYourHeartOutBook.com. My main site and information for my podcast, all my programs is NotTheTypicalMom.com. If this conversation in particular resonated with you, if you hit a sore spot and you’re struggling with this, I have some free videos that you can download at NotAboutTheFood.com.
Many wonderful resources and you get her crazy, convoluted amazingness with all of your different hats that you wear, all of your experience and your expertise with being psychology and working with moms in particular. You are a wonderful resource for many. I appreciate you taking the time with me to be on the show and to share all of your nuggets of wisdom. I know that we will probably have many conversations in the future because there’s so much that we can learn from you. Thank you so much, Stefani.
Thank you so much. I enjoyed it.
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