What makes you successful? If you stop and think for a bit, you’ll find so many answers and possibilities. It could be your salary, your home, your car, your lifestyle, or even your family. Looking at this, you’ll realize how too often we define success in terms of what we value the most. However, what happens when one of these things is not going well. Will you easily feel worthless? When we don’t accomplish the things we set for ourselves, we beat ourselves up. The same goes for relationships. We empty ourselves in order to fill others. Get in touch with yourself and reflect on the ways you define success as you learn to value yourself.
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Defining Success And Learning To Value Yourself
I want to know what makes you successful. I know that’s a weird question because there are so many possible answers. What comes to mind first? I want you to answer the question in your mind. This is an interactive podcast episode because words don’t teach, actions do. In order for you to take action, you have to process the words that I’m saying and think about how they relate to you. How is it that you are successful? What did you come up with? Is it your salary, your income, the amount of money you have in the bank? Do you feel successful because you have a beautiful home or that you are paying for your home independently or you’re paying your bills? You’re an independent woman, paying your bills. Is it a car that makes you successful or that you can go on vacation? Is it that you have a cottage, a lake house or a beach house? Are you successful because you have a lot of friends, you’re well-liked, you’re revered as an expert, you’re recognized? Is it because you’re in the crowd? Maybe you’re successful because you have a healthy relationship or marriage or you’ve raised great kids. Maybe you’re successful because you showered or you tackled your to-do list and you had a productive morning.
Maybe it’s that you managed not to kill anybody yesterday. We all have days like that where we’re like, “Yesterday was a win. I didn’t kill anybody. My kids are alive and I fed them. It’s good. I’m doing all right.” We have a habit of defining ourselves by our successes in terms of what we value most. Here’s the way that this works. When you value achievement and you have lots of achievements, accolades, accomplishments, you tend to feel worthy and valuable. When you value your relationships and you tend to have a lot of healthy relationships, connection, people in your life that you’re close to, you feel valuable and worthy.
What happens when you value one of those things and it isn’t going so well? Let’s say for instance, you value achievement. If that’s the case and that means a lot to you to achieve a lot, to accomplish a lot, you’re probably goal-driven and task-oriented. You like to learn things, to tackle things, to figure things out. You may even be an overachiever or a high achiever where you do more than the average person and that’s always been you. You probably got good grades in school. You were a star athlete or you just committed to a lot of things. Then there were always things that you were doing and other people would ask, “How do you do it all? I don’t understand how you get it all done?” You probably do it well. Maybe you have a very high standard for the work that you put out into the world and you hold yourself to those standards.
You may even be a self-proclaimed multitasker because you’ve got so much going on that you have to. It’s like by default, you have to figure out how to handle it all. You are very driven. You don’t need other people to tell you what to do. You are on it. You’ve always got something in the hopper. You finish one thing and you barely have time to stop and enjoy the way it feels to be successful because you are already on to that next thing. It’s go, go, go and you feel good when you get things done. You feel good when things are well-received and when people praise your work. When they don’t, when what you’ve done goes unnoticed, when it’s not well-received or when you don’t accomplish the things on your list, or when you don’t accomplish them at the level of standards that you’ve set for yourself, you beat yourself up. You feel disappointed. You feel like you’ve failed. Even though everyone else might be like, “That’s amazing. You did so well,” you’re like, “No, I didn’t.” You may even tend to point out your mistakes. Praise is difficult for you when you don’t feel like you’ve earned it or you don’t deserve it because you see the flaws.
Does it sound like you at all? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t but hold that thought because we’re going to move on to relationships. If you are relationship-driven and you feel worthy and invaluable when other people love you and when you have a lot going on socially, you probably tend to say yes to people more than you say no. Even if you want to be by yourself, you need some downtime or there’s something else you’d rather do. If a friend calls and says, “Can you meet me here? Can you do this for me? Can you show up and do me a favor?” You say, “Yes.” You don’t even think about it. It’s just a knee-jerk reaction, no problem. This probably shows up at work too where before you think about it, you say, “Yes.” You take on way more responsibility than you should in an effort to gain trust, approval, to keep the peace and avoid conflict. You probably find yourself apologizing for everything. No matter what it is, you apologize because you’re like, “I don’t want to feel the tension in the room.” As an empath, which you most likely are, or you’re energy sensitive. You can tell when other people are unhappy and you tend to go out of your way to mediate that energy. You want to bring that energy back into balance.
If somebody else needs something energetically, if they’re sad and you’re happy, you’ll give them some of your happiness. You share your energy. You share your love. You give way more than is healthy and comfortable sometimes in order to do that. You will gladly empty your own cup in an attempt to fill somebody else’s. You tend to be a chameleon, meaning you can change your personality to fit the vibe or the atmosphere of the room. Your personality will blend with those around you. If you’re normally somebody who’s high energy and outgoing, but the people in the space around you are a little quieter, reserved, no problem, you can blend right in. You’d probably make a great actress. You may have even been told that growing up.
If you are driven by relationships, it’s because you are motivated by a connection. You thrive in atmospheres where there is a lot of love, validation and approval, which makes you feel connected, understood and safe. These can all be wonderful qualities. It’s great to be motivated by achievement. It’s great to be motivated by connection as long as you are in alignment with your own truth, source and higher yourself. As long as you’re still respecting yourself while pursuing your goals or connecting with other people in building strong, healthy relationships. The problem comes in when you use these motivators or this needs to fill your own self-worth bucket. Meaning, if you’re feeling empty inside, you’re lonely. You feel like something is missing in your life, you’re unhappy. To fill the void of happiness, you look externally.
You look to doing more so that you can feel worthy, “I must be unhappy because I’m not doing enough. I’m going to do more and that will make me feel good. I must be unhappy because I’m not connected to people. I’m going to go in and I’m going to connect. I’m going to do for other people. I’m going to make them happy and that’s going to make me happy.” To a point, it will and it always does. When you are filling your cup externally with external wins, you become more and more out of balance and you lose that connection with yourself. An addiction to external achievement is called workaholism. You might be familiar with that. That addiction to external validation is called people pleasing. We talked about that in episode 134 if you want to go back and read that. If you tend to connect or resonate with either of these personalities and maybe a little bit of both, I have a suggestion for you. Start filling your bucket from the inside. You’ve probably heard this before. I’ve talked about filling your cup or filling your bucket before. It’s all about tuning back in and giving yourself that time to recharge by connecting to what feels good for you, by understanding where your sources are, by aligning to that truth. Meaning understanding what feels good, making that a priority in your life, and learning who you are.
It’s self-awareness. It means recognizing toxic patterns and shifting your mindset around what it means to be successful and celebrating who you already are. Success starts with celebrating who you already are. You can strive to achieve success by achieving more and accomplishing more. You can strive to be successful in your relationships by getting approval from other people and making sure that the whole world likes you. That is something that you’re constantly going to have to work on because it’s them. They decide whether or not they’re going to approve you or not. You have no control over that, but we tend to think that we have control. We do all these things to manipulate the way other people feel about us. We do have control over achieving more but the problem is there’s always something else. We achieve it and then we’re onto the next thing. It’s a constant struggle to keep up with the pace. In doing both of these things, we lose sight of the fact that we are already successful. We are already amazing. We are already worthy.
What are all the strengths that make you amazing? Go ahead and write those down. Get a pen and a paper and write them all out. Celebrate the fact that you are smart, funny, caring, beautiful, ambitious, resourceful, understanding and courageous. I could go on forever. What are all the things? Remember, it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks about all of the strengths that you possess. Those are yours. You own those and that is what makes you unique. It’s what makes you special. You have nobody else to impress. Their opinion doesn’t matter. If you accomplish nothing else for the rest of your life, you’re already successful. It doesn’t matter. If you get no approval from anyone else for the rest of your life, it doesn’t matter. You’re already a success. You’re already successful for so many reasons. That sounds a little bit crazy because that’s not how our culture conditions us to behave in the world. That’s not what we have been conditioned to believe. You’re like, “What are you talking about?” When I said those words, I guarantee you, “That’s not true. No, I’m not going to feel successful if I don’t accomplish anything. There are so many things that I want to do and so many goals that I have. I’m not going to feel successful as a person if my relationships crumble.”
I want you to challenge that limiting belief because you are successful. You’re a success because you exist. You’re a success because you have unique qualities about you that feel good. You’re a success because you do what feels good. You’re a success because you listen to your own intuition. You’re a success because you don’t need external validation because you’ve conquered that. Does that feel good? Don’t we look at other people in the world who are confident, who don’t seem to care? I’m going to give you some that come to mind. Madonna, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, people who put themselves out there and they’re like, “Whatever,” and we’re like, “That’s a little extravagant but good for her. That’s amazing that she is so boldly standing in her power and unapologetic for who she is.” That is something we should all strive for, that success.
Every time you show even a piece of that, every time you are unapologetically yourself, you are successful. Pay attention to where your bucket is filling. Are you getting your bucket filled from the outside or are you filling it from the inside? If it’s all external, start making some shifts. Take some time to celebrate your wins. Meditate. Pay attention to what’s already amazing about you. If you need a couple of affirmations, I got your back. Say with me, “I love myself and that’s enough.” I am comfortable with who I am. I am perfect the way I am. I am proud of who I am in this moment. I am already successful. I am grateful for who I am, how I am and where I am. Beautiful, I hope you have an amazing, abundant and prosperous week in every way. I will see you back here in the next episode.
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