We tend to prioritize harmony over everything, whether that be in business or our life in general. However, too much of it can send us too far back away from our true selves. In turn, we become engrossed with people-pleasing, forgetting who we are and want we want in the first place. We just choose to blend or fit in rather than choose to standout. It becomes hard for us to say “no” that we end up overworked and lost. Go deeper into yourself and identify the people-pleasing tendencies that affect your life and your business. Find out the ways to break away from them as you realize how you must respect and value yourself first before others will.
Listen to the podcast:
Overcoming People-Pleasing Tendencies
I have a little bit of a challenge or game for you. I’m going to describe a woman and I want you to see if you can identify her. You might know her. This woman is the type that will do anything for anybody. Literally, she’d give you her shirt off of her back if you were cold and she would freeze happily while you sat and warmed up. She is always there when you need her. She never argues and rarely complains. She blends in with every situation. No matter where you go, she always seems to make friends and people like her. From the outside looking in, you would think, “She’s magnetic.” She has this beautiful radiant energy about her. Maybe she’s an extrovert? That’s not true. She is an introvert, but she’s just good at blending. From an outsider’s perspective looking in, she looks like she’s got it all together. What people don’t know about her is that more than anything in the world, she just wants to be liked. She wants people to appreciate her and validate her or approve of her. She has an extremely difficult time saying no and that is why she goes with the flow.
She wants to avoid conflict. Confrontation gives her extreme anxiety. If she senses confrontation, she shuts down. As a result, she often feels unseen and unheard as if she doesn’t have a voice. All of her blending-in over the years, her going with the flow has disconnected her from her core truth. She is at a point in her life where she doesn’t even know what excites her and lights her up anymore. If you ask her what makes her happy and what truly brings her joy, she just looks at you and goes, “I don’t know.” What she’s been doing for happiness for so long has been caring for others. It’s been taking care of other people, pleasing other people, and doing what makes them happy. She’s starting to feel resentful. She’s feeling a little bit of blame toward these other people in her life. When she feels the responsibility and she notices that she had a choice in this and she could choose differently, she feels disempowered as if she doesn’t know what to do at this point. That makes her feel ashamed and that shame is painful. Rather than feel it and deal with it, she shoves it way deep down and ignores it. Meanwhile, she continues to take responsibility for the way other people feel. If she is in a room and there are people that she cares about who are unhappy, she immediately thinks, “What did I do wrong? Are they mad at me? What could I have done differently?” She might even apologize out loud for their pain or their unhappiness or their anger.
That translates in her mind as if she’s not enough. She’s not doing enough to remedy the situation. What she’s doing is she’s apologizing for being herself. She measures her worthiness by external validation. She needs other people to approve of her in order to feel worthy herself. The problem with this in her life has been that she’s been doing this for so long that people expect this of her. They don’t realize that she is seeking approval or she’s trying to keep the peace. Instead, they think that this is how she is. They expect her to act a certain way or behave a certain way. When she doesn’t, they show signs of disappointment, which she takes on as being her own fault. She translates that as, “I messed up. I was wrong. I’m bad. I’m not good enough,” and this happens over and over. Over time, it becomes harder and harder to please everyone. She gets more and more disconnected from herself, her truth, and she loses her sense of self-respect.
Here’s the truth for all of us. When you don’t respect yourself, others don’t respect you either. When you don’t value yourself, others don’t value you either. People only value and respect you at the level that you value and respect yourself. That’s a law. It’s energy. It’s an unspoken rule. You don’t have to say, “I expect this of you.” If you have that energy and you stand in your own power and you have that internal expectation, other people pick up on that and they sense it and they treat you accordingly.
Tell me, do you recognize this woman? Do you know who she is? Maybe she’s a friend of yours. Maybe she’s you. If so, keep reading because this people-pleasing tendency of yours or the people-pleasing disease is affecting your business. If you are a people pleaser in business, you most likely tend to blend in or fit in versus standout, which means you’re disconnected from your unique value. You’re doing what everyone else is doing. You’re playing it safe, you’re staying small. You are avoiding taking risks. You are avoiding conflict or doing something that might not win over the opinions of everyone else. You are keeping your strong opinions when you have them to yourself. As a result, you are on this hamster wheel, going and going but getting nowhere. You feel like you’re doing the same things over and over again.
You’re not connecting because your true authenticity is not shining through. You are most likely undercharging and if I know you, it’s severely. You’re discounting your services or your rates or you don’t think that anyone’s going to pay them so you’re putting them out there way lower than they should be or way lower than it feels good to you. There’s a part of you that wants to be more and there’s a part of you that wants to believe in the value of what it is that you’re offering but there’s this need for approval. There’s this need to sell and then there’s this fear that people aren’t going to buy it and that is dominating your decisions. You negotiate or you lower your rates for certain people even if they don’t ask you to. You want to work with somebody so bad and you assume that they’re not going to be able to afford you. You assume that they’re going to freak out at your prices so you lower them before you’ve even had the conversation. You’re trying to win them over.
What about having a hard time telling clients, “No?” Do people that you work with or work for ask you to do things that are insane or ridiculous? Even though you want to say no, you balk and say yes. You end up going over your time limits on calls or projects, over delivering, giving them way more than you should and then it feels yucky and icky at the end. Maybe you work late or you work weekends or you sacrifice time with family or time on your own self-care to please them. Then it feels like they’re taking advantage of you and a lot of times they don’t even realize they’re doing it. You’re like, “What’s going on here?” Maybe you take criticism to heart. Somebody has something that isn’t 100% amazing to say about you or your work. You take it to mean that they don’t like you and it crushes you. A bad review or a refund request, somebody who says that they didn’t connect with you on some level for some reason, it’s like the end of your world where you just want to call it quits, curl up in bed, eat ice cream, and watch TV. Have you ever felt like that? When things don’t go right, you shut down. That feeling of failure is crippling and it turns to anger or maybe blame. It either is channeled or directed at somebody else, in which case you feel hopeless because you can’t change other people. You don’t have control when you do that.
That blame, that anger is turned on yourself and then you’re ashamed. You feel like you let them down. You let yourself down. You let the world down. You let your spouse down. You’re not living up to the expectations. That feeling is horrible. It feels empty, lonely, scary and dark in that place where you feel like, “I’m a failure. I suck. I can’t do this.” Your defense mechanisms kick in and you start to switch gears, “I’ll do something different. I’m going to pivot. I’m going to change my direction in my business or I’m going to run away and avoid in some way or you don’t.” You build the resilience and the strength to push through. If you never deal with the triggers, the patterns, and the mental processes that are going on, what happens is you shove that feeling down. You lock it in your closet inside and you lock the door and you ignore it, but it’s in there. It’s festering and it’s toxic. The more times this happens and the more you shove it away and it stays in your body, the more these toxins eat at you. You’ve never learned how to deal with them and you’ve never released them.
Breaking Out Of Our People-Pleasing Tendencies
How do I know all this about you? If you are a perpetual people pleaser, you are not alone. We all have people-pleasing tendencies. The problem is when they become a dominant pattern in your life. Meaning it’s every day, it’s all the time. Your people-pleasing tendencies are showing up at home, in your personal life. They’re showing up in your business and they’re showing up with every single client. They’re sabotaging your success in every way possible. They’re affecting your prices, your ability to get visible and be seen and to stand in your power and to set boundaries with clients. You end up overworking, undercharging, letting your clients walk all over you and feeling burnt out, unappreciated, and resentful. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to spend some time paying attention and bringing this situation into focus over the next 48 hours. Recognize where these people-pleasing patterns are showing up in your business and personal life. Are you apologizing? Are you biting your tongue when you want to speak up? Are you saying yes when you want to say no? Are you feeling invisible or unseen? Are you feeling unheard or unappreciated? Are you feeling resentful at somebody else or at yourself for a decision that you made, that you know is out of alignment with you?
If you notice these coming up, you have got to change your patterns but then again, you already knew that. If changing were that easy, you would have done it by now. Even though you recognize this, you know that you need to change. You know that there’s something that needs to shift. Your habits, especially the mental ones, the processes and patterns that have been there for years and years, those are hard to break. You need a strong motivation, a strong reason to want to change. You need a driving force that pushes you beyond the motivation that you have now. Right now, you’re motivated by having that external validation. There’s got to be a stronger motivation in order to get you to want to break these patterns and develop new healthier habits. I have another challenge for you. I want you to think about what your life would be like if you were to break the old patterns and develop new patterns in your business and at home. Think about what these new patterns or new healthy habits would do for you. If you were to be able to charge your worth with confidence, what would that mean for you? What would it mean if you could confidently say no to people when what they’re asking for does not fit in with your schedule or your values? If it’s out of alignment with you and you could say no without guilt, what would that mean? What would it mean for your business if you could put yourself out there and get visible and show up as the expert without fear?
What would it mean for your sanity, your home life, your family life? What would it mean if you as a mom could spend your days sticking to a certain schedule and then shutting off work at a certain hour to be home with your kids or your family? If you could make time to do the things that you wanted to do? Work on your health, your spirituality, your personal development, self-love. What would that mean for your life and your relationships? What if after all this you had the energy to spare? What if criticism didn’t bother you and you didn’t care at all what other people think? How would it feel to know with 100% certainty that you are surrounded by people who love you, appreciate you, and value you? What would that do for your business? What would that do for your income? What would that do for your life right now in six months, in a year, in five years, in ten years? Imagine if you made this shift right now, what would your future would look like?
Close your eyes at your first available opportunity and imagine standing confident in your power, owning your gifts, your unique value, and doing what feels good. Building a business around what your unique talents and gifts are and saying yes to the things that feel good and no to the things that don’t, imagine what that would mean for you. If you need help in that department, if you need a coach that can help you with pricing, visibility, client relationships, we’re working on all those topics in Vibe Tribe Coaching. If you want to check it out, we can book a call and talk about it. Whether you do it with me or you do it on your own, if these patterns are showing up in your life, it is important to recognize them. When you change the way you think, you’re going to change the way you do business, which is going to change your life. You deserve everything that you want. You want more and the only thing stopping you from having more is you. It’s the way you think, it’s the way you feel and it’s what you are allowing yourself to do, the actions that you’re giving yourself permission to take.
If you’re not taking actions that are moving you toward your dreams, your actions are moving you further away from them. It’s one direction or the other, but that choice ultimately is up to you and nobody else. It starts with believing in yourself and what’s possible and that you can have everything you want. I want you to say a few affirmations with me. I want you to let the truth of these words sink in with you. You don’t own them. Make sure that they feel good and real to you and if they don’t change them, make them your own. “I am worthy.” What are all the ways that you are worthy? Own it, feel it, become it. “I am unique. I am valuable. I am lovable. I am desirable and I am deserving of everything I desire and more.” Take those affirmations. Repeat them daily. Pick the one that is your favorite and own it. Write it on your wall, your mirror. Put it on a Post-It Note on your computer. Put it somewhere where you’re going to see it every day. Say it out loud, feel it in every cell of your being and know without a shadow of a doubt that it is 100% true. I am wishing you lots of love and abundance.
If you need help in raising your vibe and make a commitment to abundance and reprograming your money mindset, check out Money Vibes and learn more.
Hang out with us inside our free Facebook Community– where every day is a party!
SHARE THE LOVE!
Thanks so much for hanging out with me! Have some feedback you’d love to share? Leave a comment below. Or… if you want your comment or biz question featured on an upcoming episode, leave a voicemail. I’d love to spotlight you!
If this episode was valuable, please help by paying it forward and sharing with a friend 🙂