Is your idea of beauty based on your weight, your shape, or other aesthetics dictated by blogs and beauty magazines? Is your security and abundance measured by the size of your bank account? If you have been burdened by going after a certain status quo, it’s time to allow yourself to breathe. The moment you let go of these desires is the time they start to manifest in your life. The art of detachment is a practice of your faith and confidence. Rather than forcing things to happen, you’re allowing your desires to manifest in their own sweet time.
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Transform Your Limiting Beliefs With The Art Of Detachment
In this episode, we are going to dive into the art of detachment. I received a question from a beautiful woman who has finished reading my new book the Mindset Switch and she’s doing the work, which is the purpose of the book. I didn’t write the book to make a million dollars in sales. I wrote it to give you the roadmap to make changes on your own. It’s basically the DIY guide for transforming your own limiting beliefs and it’s a process. It’s not something that you can take a magic pill for. It requires a little bit of effort upfront.
When you do the work upfront and you start to understand the process and how simple it is, you then can literally flip the switch and your mindset at will in a moment’s notice, by simply bringing what is happening in your world, in your reality to your conscious awareness. What I’d like to do is read to you an excerpt of the book where we start to talk about detachment. Then I will read you the question that Sarah sent in and why she’s really struggling with this particular area.
“Detachment, this is the part of the process where we focused on the art of allowing things to happen rather than forcing them to happen. If you’re serious about getting what you want, you’ve got to learn to detach yourself from the outcome of the change you’re trying to create. Ask yourself. On a scale of one to ten, how detached am I from the outcome? If your answer is anything less than eight, we’ve got work to do. When you’re too attached to something, your vibe goes way down and you become desperate, worried, fearful, anxious and panicky. All those limiting words, thoughts and feelings creep back in and all the work you’ve done to get to this point goes out the window.
Trying not to get attached to what you think it’s supposed to look like or how you think it’s supposed to happen. Just open up. Allow the universe to surprise you and have faith that it will happen. This requires the practice of faith and confidence and is the hardest part for just about everybody I’ve ever worked with. We all want to be in control and be the action takers. We all want to know with certainty that we’re going to get that thing we desire. But here’s the crazy thing. Once you let go of the need to have it, that’s when it will appear.”
Sarah says, “I’m struggling with this. How the heck am I supposed to fully detach from what I want and be okay if it never comes no matter what?” What I’m suggesting when we say detach, Sarah, and for anyone else who is having this particular struggle is not to dismiss it. By detaching, what Sarah’s asking is, “How am I supposed to let go and be okay if it never happens?” What I’m not asking you to do is give up on it. Don’t give up on your dreams. Don’t give up on your desires. Don’t pretend that they are no longer wanted.
You want them and that’s okay. That’s what makes you human. That’s what keeps us striving to grow and improve ourselves and level up, up the ante, keep getting better at who we are and what we do. Instead, what I’m asking you to do is not pin your happiness and your level ten vibe on attaining that desire. What we too often do is we get so detached to a desire or a goal that we punish ourselves until we get it. We don’t allow ourselves to be happy until it’s ours.
We tell ourselves that, “I need that money to be happy. I need to quit my job to be happy. I need to get my first client to feel successful. I need to fall in love to feel worthy. I need this to feel that,” and I beg to differ. I invite you to question the validity of what I just said. Are you punishing yourself? Are you not allowing yourself to feel beautiful until you lose weight? Are you not allowing yourself to feel successful until your business looks a certain way on the outside? Are you not allowing yourself to feel worthy, luxurious, rich and abundant until your bank account has a certain number of zeros in it? We attach meaning to those things that we desire and that’s where the attachment, the obsession comes from. I invite you to do an exercise with me.
This is an exercise that I love because it challenges you to get to the core essence of why you want the thing in the first place. It’s the Five Whys of Detachment. You keep asking yourself why you want this thing until you get to the core reason, the driving force behind it. You get to the story behind the desire, the story that is probably narrow-focused, narrow-minded. It is hindering you and pigeonholing you and forcing you to control the ‘how’ of the situation. It’s forcing you to convince yourself that there’s only one way to get to that desired feeling.
Let’s say, Sarah, that you want to make $100,000 a year. That’s your goal. That’s your desire and you’re asking me, “Tonya, how the heck am I supposed to fully detach from wanting a $100,000 a year and be okay if that never comes? How am I supposed to do that? I’m not okay with that.” “Sarah, why do you want to make $100,000 a year?” “If I’m making $100,000 a year in my side hustle, the business that I’m starting to work on and get up and running, then I can quit the full-time job that I hate.” Notice I’ve asked her why once. I’m going to do this four more times. “Sarah, why do you want to quit your job so bad?” “So I can be at home with my kids more.”
“Why do you want to be at home with your kids more?” “Because my current job is corporate and I work my tail off long days, sometimes weekends. I feel guilty that I’m missing everything in their life. It makes me sad.” “Why is it making you feel sad and guilty? What do you want it to look like?” “I want to feel connected and close with my children while they’re young.” “Why is that important to you? To feel connected and close to your children while they’re young?” “Because I believe when you’re close to your kids growing up, you’ll have stronger relationships with them when they’re an adult and that is important to me, that family closeness. Once they’re all grown and out of the nest, that means more to me than anything.”
Do you see what just happened there? She has attached the future closeness and bonding in her family with the ability to make $100,000 in her business. She wants to make that $100,000 to replace her corporate income so that she could stay at home with her kids and she can have closeness with them when they’re older. It’s that story, that intangible connecting of the dots that happens in our subconscious level that tells us that something needs to happen in order for a certain result to occur. Here’s the question that I beg of you to answer.
Go through this Five Why Exercise on your own and then ask yourself, “Is there another way?” In Sarah’s case, I would ask her, “Is there another way to build those strong bonds with your children now?” There is. There’s a ton of ways. Is it possible to have this close relationship with your family and your kids without building both a side hustle and working a full-time job? Is it possible to quit your job before you’ve made $100,000 a year? Is it possible to be happy before everything is exactly the way you have imagined it would turn out in your head? Is it possible to be emotionally fulfilled before the desire has occurred?
The answer is yes. The reason I bring up this example, and I invite you to do this on your own, is because when you can focus on the alternatives, you open up your peripheral vision. You stop focusing on the story you’ve been telling yourself, you stop focusing on the need to control how it’s going to happen. Sarah has decided that how she’s going to be close with her kids when they’re an adult is by working a full-time job and building a side hustle. She’s probably never around with her kids right now. She’s sacrificing a lot in the present moment to get the desired outcome in the future, which is counterproductive. It’s adding to her guilt. It’s adding to the overwhelm and burnout. It’s adding to her feeling sad for missing things, and it’s bringing her vibe down. That negative low vibe is not conducive to manifestation.
When you are at a level ten, that’s when everything just opens up, gets easy and flows. We need to get you to a ten. That means figuring out how you want to feel in the long run and getting there now. When you can start to immerse yourself in those emotions, now detachment becomes a gimme. “I already feel close with my kids. I already feel like I’m happy and I’m fulfilled because my side hustle is bringing me joy. I feel in my heart and have faith that the end of that corporate career is coming. I don’t know when, but I know it’s going to happen and when it does, I’m going to hit $100,000. No problem because I’m happy and I’m fulfilled and I’m joyful and I’m grateful. It feels abundant just to be me right now in this present moment.” That feeling, that vibe is what is going to attract more of those abundant opportunities to you and it happens just as a result. It can’t not happen. It just does. That’s how it works. When you can get to that feeling first, you become a magnet for attracting good things.
The other question to ask when you’re doing this work is, “Am I going to be okay if the thing never happens?” You’re not letting go of the desire, you’re not giving up on it, but just go down the rabbit hole. What if it doesn’t happen? What if you don’t make $100,000 before your kids are grown? That’s not going to be the case because when you align yourself with positivity in level ten energy, you get what you want. That’s just done. Once you start to work on the principles of manifestation and you see how manifestation works and you start to see proof and examples in your own life appearing, you will start to build your faith around the laws of attraction.
You will start to have positive expectation that it is going to work. You’re not going to be a skeptic anymore, but you may need to start by joining our Money Vibes Bootcamp so you can start to manifest little things and build up to bigger things and bigger things and bigger things. You can start to learn the process of manifestation and how to flow and roll with the punches so that you’re starting to build up your confidence. These bigger things don’t seem so difficult. When you’re really attached to something that’s important, it’s hard to let go of it. I get that. If you’re there and you’re ready to answer this question, answer it.
What’s going to happen? The worst case scenario, if it doesn’t come true, are you going to die? Is anybody going to die? Are your kid’s going to hate you? Are you not going to have that relationship with them that you desired? Are you going to have to sell your home and live in a box? You have to live out of your car and a van down by the river. What is the worst that’s going to happen and apply this to your own desires and your own personal situation? You’re going to find that the worst case scenario that you can even possibly fathom is absolutely ridiculous and you’re going to laugh at yourself because you’re going be like, “That’s not going to happen. I would never let it get that bad.”
These stories that we fabricate in our minds, in the deep crevices of our minds are enough to fuel that inner critic and keep us playing small, staying stuck, feeling trapped, feeling like we need to control every last little aspect of how our desires are going to manifest, and we don’t. When we learn to just have faith and trust that they’re going to happen and when we learn that our only job in the here and now is to align with positive vibes. Our only job right now is to immerse ourselves in activities and things that bring us feelings of joy, love, abundance, appreciation, empowerment, freedom. That is it. That’s your only job. Everything else, it’s the universe’s job. Let the universe do its job. You concentrate on being happy and it will all come.
I know that seems too good to be true in a world where we’re brought up to set goals and micromanage those goals and hustle and work hard, but the truth is it doesn’t have to be that way. If that works for you and you like that life, you like the hustle and the hard work, by all means, go for it. This is probably not the podcast you want to continue to listen to because I subscribe to a different set of beliefs. I believe that it can be easy and life can be abundant and joyful. The whole journey of it, not just the end, not just after you’ve punished yourself for years and years and years with the hustle and the hard work, it can be amazing right now.
If you want to learn more about how to do this, head on over to Amazon and get the Mindset Switch. The book will walk you through this whole process, step by step. It’ll change the way you think and feel about yourself, about your reality, and it will put you in the driver’s seat so you can get in control of what’s happening in your reality. What you’re allowing in, what you’re attracting, what you’re manifesting, it’s all there. Step-by-step for you, and if you want to take it even further, you can head on over to TonyaRineer.com and check out some of the courses and offerings we have there.
My goal for you is that you realize how easy this life can be and that you can take charge of what you want and make all of your desires and dreams come true way sooner than later. If there’s any way I can help you do that, I am here to support you 100%. Thank you so much for being here, for hanging out and spending time with me here on this episode and all of the other ones. You light up my world. I appreciate you and love you to pieces. I’ll see you next week.
If you need help in raising your vibe and make a commitment to abundance and reprograming your money mindset, check out Money Vibes and learn more.
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